It’s no secret that eating too much food, especially the wrong kinds of foods (the ones I’m speaking of actually are not food) and a sedentary lifestyle can get you a gargantuan body. Another huge factor in weight gain, one that isn’t talked about much and really does the most damage is denial. This past week I realized I am an expert at it.
I started getting chubby when I was 7. I became extremely self-conscious and began to dress in ways that covered up every nook and cranny of my body. I was 120 lbs in 5th grade. Although I was a bit larger than the other kids, my parents had raised me well enough to know I was a complex person and that there are many ways people are beautiful. I knew my hair was nice, I was pleasant-looking enough and had a good personality. These things were on my mind most of the time when I thought about myself, even until recently.
However, underneath it all I was keeping a secret from myself. I just found out about it recently. I had never really assessed myself physically. I had never allowed myself to notice just how big I was. I never let myself look lower than my neck in the bathroom mirror. I was downright angry when people took pictures of my whole body and even would be quite blunt about them not doing it in the first place. I was lying to myself and I wasn’t going to have anyone mess that up with an unflattering picture. I was so deep in the lie that every time I had begun to lose weight, I would stop around my 10% mark and think “okay great, you obviously look great now, you can go ahead and take it easy on eating right”. What a LIE!
Last week I reached my 10%. I still felt really fat. I looked at my body in the mirror. Really looked at it in the mirror. All the way around and seeing it for what it is. Not what I wish it was. Not focusing on the things I like about it. Just seeing it. I was surprised to notice that I am still really big. I shared with my husband how upset I was about what I saw. I’m blessed to have a husband that truly loves me the way that I am and he offered words of encouragement that kept me from breaking down completely. But the sad truth is, I’m VERY overweight and I need to keep going.
I have lived the last 25 years only trying to look at the good things about myself and pushing the truth about my body away. This is not a pity party. This is me knowing I need to go all the way. I will not be satisfied until I am a normal and healthy weight. Sometimes it’s so hard to really look at yourself and see the truth. I am happy for the awakening and am sure this is my last time ever trying to lose this weight. I’m just so done with being big.
The Beautifully Uncomplicated Life 