A Good Look In The Mirror

It’s no secret that eating too much food, especially the wrong kinds of  foods (the ones I’m speaking of actually are not food) and a sedentary lifestyle can get you a gargantuan body.  Another huge factor in weight gain, one that isn’t talked about much and really does the most damage is denial.  This past week I realized I am an expert at it.

I started getting chubby when I was 7.  I became extremely self-conscious and began to dress in ways that covered up every nook and cranny of my body.  I was 120 lbs in 5th grade.  Although I was a bit larger than the other kids, my parents had raised me well enough to know I was a complex person and that there are many ways people are beautiful.  I knew my hair was nice, I was pleasant-looking  enough and had a good personality.  These things were on my mind most of the time when I thought about myself, even until recently.

However, underneath it all I was keeping a secret from myself.  I just found out about it recently. I had never really assessed myself physically.  I had never allowed myself to notice just how big I was.  I never let myself look lower than my neck in the bathroom mirror.  I was downright angry when people took pictures of my whole body and even would be quite blunt about them not doing it in the first place.  I was lying to myself and I wasn’t going to have anyone mess that up with an unflattering picture. I was so deep in the lie that every time I had begun to lose weight, I would stop around my 10% mark and think “okay great, you obviously look great now, you can go ahead and take it easy on eating right”. What a LIE!

Last week I reached my 10%.  I still felt really fat.  I looked at my body in the mirror.  Really looked at it in the mirror.  All the way around and seeing it for what it is.  Not what I wish it was.  Not focusing on the things I like about it.  Just seeing it. I was surprised to notice that I am still really big.  I shared with my husband how upset I was about what I saw.  I’m blessed to have a husband that truly loves me the way that I am and he offered words of encouragement that kept me from breaking down completely.  But the sad truth is, I’m VERY overweight and I need to keep going.

I have lived the last 25 years only trying to look at the good things about myself and pushing the truth about my body away.  This is not a pity party.  This is me knowing I need to go all the way.  I will not be satisfied until I am a normal and healthy weight.  Sometimes it’s so hard to really look at yourself and see the truth.  I am happy for the awakening and am sure this is my last time ever trying to lose this weight.  I’m just so done with being big.

 

Advertisements

Food Journaling saves the day!

This is me in April 2011.  I am my biggest here.  I can't even say the number out loud, it's so high.

This is me in April 2011. I am my biggest here. I can’t even say the number out loud, it’s so high.

This was taken Feb 16, 2013.  at least 30 lbs lighter than the first pic.

Feb 16, 2013, nearly 30 lbs lighter than I was in the first pic.

I’m going on 3 months of changing over to a more healthy lifestyle.  The shock has worn off and I love living this way.  I feel better every single day.  However, I haven’t lost weight in at least two weeks.  I keep fluctuating up and down about the same 6 lbs.  This is with a whole foods mostly PALEO diet and regular vigorous exercise and light weight training.  The weight started coming off quickly in the first two months, now I seem to be at a dead stand still. I’m ready to pull my hair out!!!

Now the question is, how do I jump-start my weight loss again? Thank God I kept a food journal on my “My Net Diary” app on my phone because now I can go back in and see what I was doing to lose the first large amount of weight and do that exact thing again.  Sometimes I will eat the same meals for two or three weeks, then I’ll find some new recipe or two or three of them and then my diet shifts again.  Something I am eating now, or maybe not eating is keeping me from losing.  I just know it!

So today, I will do my exercise, and I will fully evaluate my food behaviors to get this party started again.  I do have to give myself some props here.  Number 1 for tracking my food, I feel relieved to know I can go back in and see what worked for me.  Number 2 that I didn’t just give up at this point and go back to my old ways! Finally Number 3 because my mind is really changed! I will never go back to an unhealthy lifestyle and I am so happy to say that, once and for all!