A Good Look In The Mirror

It’s no secret that eating too much food, especially the wrong kinds of  foods (the ones I’m speaking of actually are not food) and a sedentary lifestyle can get you a gargantuan body.  Another huge factor in weight gain, one that isn’t talked about much and really does the most damage is denial.  This past week I realized I am an expert at it.

I started getting chubby when I was 7.  I became extremely self-conscious and began to dress in ways that covered up every nook and cranny of my body.  I was 120 lbs in 5th grade.  Although I was a bit larger than the other kids, my parents had raised me well enough to know I was a complex person and that there are many ways people are beautiful.  I knew my hair was nice, I was pleasant-looking  enough and had a good personality.  These things were on my mind most of the time when I thought about myself, even until recently.

However, underneath it all I was keeping a secret from myself.  I just found out about it recently. I had never really assessed myself physically.  I had never allowed myself to notice just how big I was.  I never let myself look lower than my neck in the bathroom mirror.  I was downright angry when people took pictures of my whole body and even would be quite blunt about them not doing it in the first place.  I was lying to myself and I wasn’t going to have anyone mess that up with an unflattering picture. I was so deep in the lie that every time I had begun to lose weight, I would stop around my 10% mark and think “okay great, you obviously look great now, you can go ahead and take it easy on eating right”. What a LIE!

Last week I reached my 10%.  I still felt really fat.  I looked at my body in the mirror.  Really looked at it in the mirror.  All the way around and seeing it for what it is.  Not what I wish it was.  Not focusing on the things I like about it.  Just seeing it. I was surprised to notice that I am still really big.  I shared with my husband how upset I was about what I saw.  I’m blessed to have a husband that truly loves me the way that I am and he offered words of encouragement that kept me from breaking down completely.  But the sad truth is, I’m VERY overweight and I need to keep going.

I have lived the last 25 years only trying to look at the good things about myself and pushing the truth about my body away.  This is not a pity party.  This is me knowing I need to go all the way.  I will not be satisfied until I am a normal and healthy weight.  Sometimes it’s so hard to really look at yourself and see the truth.  I am happy for the awakening and am sure this is my last time ever trying to lose this weight.  I’m just so done with being big.



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